An Open Letter To Whoever Takes My Old Job

Dear Person Who Has My Job Now,

What the f*ck is wrong with you?  I mean, congratulations.  You’re about to embark on the world’s most despairing sort of learning experience.

There are a few things you should know:

1.  NEVER EVER sit on any of the furniture except what is inside your office.  All of it has been sexed upon.  By patients, by staff, by staff with patients, there may even be some animal-on-human combos mixed in there somewhere.  Seriously– everything at the hospital is covered in sex juice.  Use hand sanitizer.

2.  If you ever find yourself in a legitimate medical crisis, DO NOT let anyone at the hospital try to help you.  Their nursing degrees are from made-up countries you’ve never heard of and most of them are heavily under the influence of narcotics.  Don’t be deceived by words like “doctor” and “pharmacist” unless you want to have your illness prayed away or treated with a needle that’s already been injected into someone else.

3.  Don’t talk shit about people because everyone who works there is related.  The chick who is asleep at the front desk is the daughter of the security officer who keeps a gun in his overalls.  The woman in Medical Records who reeks of alcohol is the mother of the guy who keeps trying to give you lightly used envelopes.  Seriously, you can’t gossip about anyone.  And you will want to.

4. The slovenly nurse with old chicken bones in her office makes more money than the CEO.  This is the beauty of overtime– you can sit in your office and finger a day-old rotisserie chicken while making six figures.

If you want to get in good with the boss, do the following:

1. Listen to her tell you about how pretty everyone thinks she is.

2. Listen to her tell you about how smart she is.

3. Listen to her tell you about how many men want her.

Here’s some historical perspective you might find helpful:

1.  Any attempt to report sexual harassment or workplace violence will be met with retaliation.  Just take it, girl.  You don’t deserve to have your dignity recognized or your humanity honored.

2.  Everything comes full circle.  The person who hired you may end up getting fired a few years later and then show up at your garage sale where she will buy five spoons because she’s high as a kite.

HNHS Page Break

That should get you through half a decade of this new soul-destroying adventure.  You are very welcome.  You are also very welcome for the nice desk you’re sitting at.  It’s the newest piece of furniture to grace that hospital and came about via insurance fraud.  That’s another important lesson– befriend the person who maintains the hospital’s budget.  Then you can get shit that no one else can get.  Because this is the real world.  And the real world is a very very dark place.

Best of luck and let me know when you start a blog,


P.S. Your office is haunted. 

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What would you tell someone who takes your job after you?  How do you survive the most miserable part of your existence? Who do you want to write an Open Letter to?

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